how to end a date in 3 minutes or less*

*depending on location. Outside of Utah or Mormonville, this will probably have the opposite intended effect.

Here are some facts you should read before I reveal my new secret weapon.

I live in Salt Lake City, Utah.
I have lived here for under 2 months.
I moved from Orlando, Florida.
I lived in Florida for 11 years.
I was raised in the Mormon church.
I'm not a good example of someone who follows this particular religion.
However, I now live in Salt Lake City.
Utah.

Mormons are a different type of people. They're incredibly sweet, but Mormons guys my age only have one thing on their minds: sex marriage and children and an eternity together.

And like normal boys in relation to getting sexy time, Mormon boys want it AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

Anyway, I was picked up the other night by a nice Mormon boy. The date started like every other I have been on in Utah, with the guy apologizing for his outfit choice (I tend to overdress [not really I just like dresses and Utah dudes like their workout clothes] and wear makeup and wash my hair, sometimes).

We arrived at the activity portion of the evening which, thank God, didn't involve bowling OR mini-golf. As we were walking in a young family with two babies exited.

Mormon: I can't wait until I have a wife and kids
Me: Hahahaha gross, I hope I never get pregnant

See, I was downplaying his serious first-date statement by using a gross exaggeration in a humorous fashion.
But that is when the date ended.

Let's revisit the scene. See if you can pinpoint the exact moment he stopped picturing me naked in a wedding dress.

Me: Hahahaha gross, I hope I never get pregnant.
Mormon: .....
Me: I mean... you know... maybe one day I'll want kids?
Mormon:.....
Mormon: I'm actually just going to take you home.

Never has a ride home been so long.
Never has a car been so silent.
Never has a cute outfit gone to such waste.

But now I know how to end any future Mormons dates at the exact moment of my choosing.
I believe in sharing knowledge.

You're welcome.

untitled post #1

I think it's apt that I can't for the life of me come up with a title for the first post of my new project. It speaks a lot to the last eight or so months where I haven't written much of anything. Titles have never been a strong point.

I unofficially retired my personal blog as of December 2012 to concentrate on having writers' block elsewhere, successfully. I stopped having the urge to write anything or read anything and became content in working a couple jobs waitressing and not doing anything creative, which is gross and weird and I hated it. Anything I did produce until about June felt forced and didn't sound like me. On a couple occasions I used emoticons very seriously, both in and outside of texting.

Where the release of this creative block started, I'm not sure. I attribute it to the following factors:
- Winter stopped. Winter happens a lot and it's terrible and a big reason why I need to fly South forever. I need to start taking Vitamin D. Someone remind me to do that this year, please.
- More time spent with really inspiring people. I have become closer with an astounding concentration of really talented and/or motivated people, and that has been super contagious in all the best ways.
- I saw my (living) writing idol in person. Obviously when given the opportunity to meet him, however, I panic and decide nothing I could say would be smart enough. Anyway, Chuck Klosterman is the best nerd, and my fangirl experience that evening is what prompted the idea of starting this project.

That being said, what this started as was a zine idea by myself and friend Patrice. After my little fangirl night, I realized I am too antsy for anything other than instant gratification, so god bless the internet. What I hope this turns into is an outlet for myself and ideally some of those aforementioned really talented friends I have to throw some shit at the internet and see what sticks (if you will). Hopefully at least some of it will be funny, there might be some feelings felt and subsequently expressed.