a comprehensive list of unsolicited advice

I have decided to take it upon myself to share pieces of advice I have gathered from credible sources, most of whom are related to me, and one of them being my own experiences. I feel that these will be considerably useful to the general public.

All advice is written as I would interpret it. Swap genders as need be to suit your life. If you're male, you can probably(?) skip the one about tampons.

If someone has a weak handshake, they are probably a communist.
This was taught to me at a very early age by my grandfather. I had little to no concept of what a communist was, but it was very clear that I did not want to be that. Thus, nowadays I get extremely offended when people cut off my proper handshakes by the fingers, rendering my grip weak and useless. I read The Communist Manifesto in middle school because I was a snobby nerd, so I know I should not be shaking hands weakly! Don't force me to do that! That being said, I found a denim shirt I painted at age 8 as a girl scout that definitely appears to have a glittery yellow sickle. Conclusion: Childhood is for conflicted political leanings, give firm handshakes.

If a guy isn't interested in you, he is likely gay.
Whenever I explain to my mom an ended relationship or how a guy I was interested in did not reciprocate those feelings, the third or fourth question is almost always, "Do you think he might be gay?" Initially, no, I never thought that. Why would I think that, Mom? From there, my thought process goes one of two ways: (1) Yes, I am the epoch of femininity, and if a man is not interested in me romantically, it is 100% due to their sexual orientation and nothing to do with me. Yes. (2) Oh my god, I made him gay. How did I even do that? That's not science. That doesn't make sense. To the therapist!

Likewise, I now have a complex that I will settle down and get married and in thirty years find out it was all a long grift and my husband was secretly flamboyantly homosexual and I was his beard the whole time. Not that I have thought about this a lot. This advice seems sound and not at all emotionally scarring. Just some solid mother-daughter advice.

Don't settle for the Kleenex without lotion/aloe, literally or metaphorically.
This advice is straight from me to you. During a recent bout of the classic summer cold, I was recently delivered a large quantity of Kleenex brand tissue to my bedside. This act of kindness and open pity was only multiplied when I realized that, after having used an entire box, my face didn't feel like it had been scratched with sandpaper for hours. Turns out they make this shit with lotion IN IT. I have never felt more like a princess. It felt like my nose/face had been caressed for hours by a plebeian servant, but like one that doesn't work outside so that the softness of their hands is not compromised. I don't know, I'm getting really into this role of royalty. This fucking facial tissue will do that to you.

On a larger scale, let's use this tissue as a metaphor for a larger bit of advice--treat yourself, or allow yourself to be treated, at least once in a while. When you're sick is a pretty solid example, but there are a ton of reasons why you deserve to treat yourself and have others treat you like a precious little snowflake.

Hide tampons around your workplace.
I really feel like I don't even have to defend or explain this. It's useful, you don't have to worry that you forgot one during your shift, AND it's like a fun game! A scavenger hunt, even! Here's an example of a fun thought you can have: "Oh, I hope I find a Super hidden around here tonight!" Doesn't that sound fun? No, it doesn't, because vagina. However, it's slightly less terrible than not having a tampon-based game and still requiring one.

Only be with someone you can talk to.
My mother has repeated this piece of very legitimate advice to me my entire life, and anyone who has even attempted to date me can confirm that it has stuck. If there are feelings, I'll probably want to talk about them. I'd like to think it helps balance out how irrationally stubborn I can be; I'll know what I'm doing is stupid, and that won't change, but I'd love to discuss my thought process with you!

In all seriousness, I do firmly believe that this is essential in any sort of relationship between humans, as well as human-cat and human-dog communications. Let's talk it out, y'all. As long as you spend time with people who are willing to let you in as well as hear you out, your interactions will ultimately yield much more positivity than if you let things build up and/or use passive-aggression to communicate.

Boom. Advice hath been given.